Some of them genuinely mean what they say, but some of them โ I can tell โ are just trying to make me feel better. I sleep with them because I want sex, and they were available. I was 17 and studying in polytechnic. I was hooking up with different boys from school, sending photos of myself when innocent text conversations turned into something more.
I thought I was an awful person. I knew in my mind that I should not be doing this, but I also wondered why? It felt good, not just physically.
It felt good to be wanted, to have your body desired. Back then, people would call me a slut behind my back, and it hurt whenever I found out. Gossip like this spreads fast, and the further it spread, the more warped it would become, such that when it came back around, it was a completely different story from what had actually happened. During those day, I would get these looks from schoolmates when we passed in the campus corridors.
You just knew they were talking about you, that they knew of you and the things you had done. Once, the mother of one of the boys I hooked up with caught us in the act and yelled at us. She told me I was a loose woman, and that I had no respect for their family. She might as well have called me the S-word. These days, a few years and many experiences later, the label no longer bothers me. These days, with Tinder, Grindr, and all that becoming a normal part of our dating experiences, and with shifting attitudes towards relationships, sex, and bodies, people are less judgmental about non-committal sex and casual relationships.
They think I will give myself to anyone and for anything. Little do they know that I am doing exactly what I want. It does not define me. The important thing is that it is not all that I am, and that I know who I am outside of these labels. We all have a choice as to how we live our lives. This is my body and I have the right to do whatever I want with it. Maybe monogamy works for some people. What I do think, however, is that this choice fits me now. But that is for me to find out later on.
